I threw myself a life preserver.

I didn’t love my life. So I looked in the mirror and started to change it. I took this summer off to be with our boys and the time has been invaluable to me. I learned to live with an open heart and found my soul in the process.I recognized the gift of today. I stopped postponing living life to chase a never ending agenda. I learned to be present where my feet are. I offered myself grace to stop having such unrealistic expectations. I started looking for the flowers instead of focusing on the weeds. I gained a deeper understanding of my identity in Christ instead of a paycheck, title or position. I found that rest is holy. I realized that my family, relationships and faith are what give me joy instead of this, that and the other thing. I gave myself the gift of imperfection. I stepped out of my comfort zone to take a risk. I stopped seeking the perfect future for the value of time. For all these reasons I am a better mother, wife and friend.

Friends and family showed me what the life preserver could look like. They offered me one. But I never accepted it because I was scared. I had to save myself. Only my higher self could toss the preserver to the part of me that was drowning. I finally realized it had to come from me. All of it. Only I could change me. Thank you Jesus for the gift of this season of rest and connection.

I’m looking forward to the future…

❤❤❤

Zero Expectations. Grace.

I marvel at how many days during quarantine I pretty much set myself up for failure. Monday through Friday trying to achieve the perfect schedule laid out for the kids, well-rounded routine of academics, exercise, and free time. After all, that’s how they typically thrive. I’ve always entertained the thought of homeschooling, so I was initially excited about this opportunity. I really wanted the time to plug in with them on their academics. I wanted to teach my kids more about work ethics, determination and how to be a self-starter. I had some home projects I was stoked about achieving during this quarantine too. AND all this extra family time. Bonus. I’m working full time and so is Eric. My perfectionist mindset about quarantine (and life in general) has had a true reality check. Instead of a schedule, we are meeting ourselves right where we are at. Every day is different. I have learned in order to have a great day; I have had to start the day with zero expectation. Some days work is heavy so school just waits until Eric and I can divide and conquer at night after dinner. Some days work is lighter, and I can juggle my schedule with assisting the kids in between. I realized I’m not a homeschool teacher and the boys don’t truly enjoy distant learning at home. This isn’t a place of academics for them. That doesn’t make me a failure (that my inner voice will whisper). That’s just our reality. It’s okay. Not having a schedule, is okay. Schoolwork at 9am, 3pm or 8pm. It’s fine. Some days we don’t do school at all and we double up the next day because we just can’t.

Grace.

Mental health trumps everything right now. Some days we are happy. Some days we are tired. Some days we are gloomy and some days I just cry. I miss people. I miss routine. I miss hugs. I miss family and friends. I miss going places. I miss sports. I miss freedom. So do our boys. Every day can come with a different emotion. When I finally accepted that, I finally realized each day had to start with zero expectation and we would build from there.

I also have learned to just love myself right where I’m at. I might actually get this part right moving forward. Not just for a season, but for life. Not trying to be more than what I can be, not trying to do more than what I can do. But accept the reality in front of me, try my very best, and love myself through it. And what if I just loved myself for everything I am? I then more easily extend that grace and love onto our boys…meeting them where they are at as well… instead of some days trying to force a square peg into a round hole and lose my shit when it doesn’t work.

What about those exciting projects I wanted to do? Not sure. We will see how life goes. That doesn’t mean this quarantine time is a waste. It means I had higher priorities. Like mental health and grace. The extra family time IS a bonus. It’s not the family time I was expecting. But I’ve learned to pivot in all this. Pivot again, and then again. Of course, in my perfectionism I was hoping for picture perfect family bonding. It’s not some days, but that’s okay. The boys are learning empathy, how to negotiate with one another, what it means to be a good listener, how sometimes personal space is SUPER important, the value of friendship, and through thick and thin, good and bad, the best of days along with the worst—mom and dad are there to give unconditional love. Something these boys will carry with them for their lifetime. I have loved the extra time we have. Part of me carries some sadness with that though that we can’t share that time with those that mean the most to us outside the walls of our home.

I don’t know where we are at in the length of this journey, but in short, here are my takeaways thus far:

  1. My identity is in my Lord and Savior. Not what I checked off my list for the day or how much I could accomplish.
  2. Grace and love are powerful medicines in the world we live in right now.
  3. It’s okay to have zero expectations right now. During this pandemic, it helps me start my day with motivation instead of defeat. It allows me a clean drawing board each morning based upon our needs.
  4. I still get to homeschool. My focus has changed from textbook to home economics.
  5. My attitude and outlook right now will teach my kids more about ethics, determination and how to be a self-starter in days of adversity than anything I can teach them through how they complete their schoolwork.
  6. I am enough.

Top 30 Things I’m Grateful For

  1. Admitting I’m a recovering perfectionist and my ability to work on this daily.
  2. My heart issues that started last fall, stopping me from burning the candles at both ends and from being a workaholic while allowing me the ability to become deeply in-tune to what my mind/body/spirit needs. That my body healed itself when I listened to it.
  3. Sale of our rental property. My level of perfection makes it hard to be a landlord. I prayed it would sell in 18 days. The 18th day, we signed the offer.
  4. A husband who is my opposite and grounds me in life, especially when I tend to be wound tight.
  5. God calling me to a place I didn’t want to be so I had the opportunity to rely on him for the miracles. He showed up daily through the challenge. It was a very humbling experience to obey while in a place I did not want to be.
  6. For the weight I gained during my heart issue because it has taught me to love myself unconditionally. Although I don’t plan on keeping it long term, the experience of having it has taught me that my self worth is not based upon a number on the scale.
  7. The letter that Joseph wrote me from his Language Arts class choosing me as the person who has made a profound impact on his life. That I inspire him through difficult times and motivate him to strive for success. That he appreciates all I have done for him. I will never forget the emotions I felt opening up that letter in the mail.
  8. For wrestling with my dad and brother growing up. It has helped me fulfill one of Joseph’s love languages.
  9. Reading the book Boundaries and the positive impact that it has made in me saying “yes” to the things I really want, “no” to the things that don’t serve my purpose, and “I can’t” to honor my limitations. It has allowed me to become much more intentional.
  10. Our dog Stone and the unconditional love he shows us and the humor his personality brings to our lives.
  11. All the time I took away from Facebook this year to just self-reflect and work on personal development. I needed a quiet space to be away from the temptation to compare.
  12. My love for amateur photography to capture shots of my kids being in their element during sports. They cherish the yearly sports albums I make them.
  13. My degree in Conflict Resolution that has helped me live my best life having conversations of truth, effectively communicating difficult conversations and handling unhealthy people with dignity and respect. It has given me the gift of helping others understand a different perspective.
  14. My desire to never stop growing and learning.
  15. The ability to surrender to God. I like to do life my way. He has put me in circumstances that have forced me to put Him in the driver seat and walk this life hand in hand. Its so much more inspiring and fulfilling allowing Him to do more than I could do alone.
  16. For family and the support they bring.
  17. For our church family and the strength, prayer and weekly Biblical “grounding” they provide.
  18. For Sunday morning coffee with my great friend Val. We laugh, we cry, we listen, we celebrate and we challenge each other. Then we put the icing on the cake and go to church!
  19. Reading Judgement Detox and working through the exercises in the book to process periods in my life I was still emotionally holding on to.
  20. A marriage we never gave up on. Being opposites provides steep challenges when life alone can provide its course of hurdles, hardships and valleys. We never walked away. We have learned to point the finger inward instead of outward. We choose love when the feeling isn’t there. We honor and respect instead of coming from a place of who’s right vs who’s wrong. I am forever grateful for the difficult path we’ve been on because it has made us two much better people. I love how we honor and respect our differences now.
  21. Jonathan. He’s an empath like his mom. His love is fierce. I am in awe at his young age his ability and desire to honor his boundaries. I love his passion for music and how it fills his soul like it fills mine. We share the love for art and he still wants me to snuggle with him. He is pure sweet spunk.
  22. Joseph. He keeps me on my toes with his wit. He is charming and keeps me skilled in negotiation. He is spontaneous and courageous like I strive to be. I love being his mentor when he can be impulsive or emotional.
  23. Learning how valuable taking fifteen minutes to just sit next them at bedtime is before they are too old. That’s when they open their hearts to me. It’s the time where Joseph shares the depths of this day, both his dreams and struggles, and when I have the opportunity to mentor him the most. Jonathan chooses to pull me in close, wrap my arm around his chest and puts my hand in his. He doesn’t need to talk. He yearns for the security of love while drifting off to sleep. I used to struggle to live in the moment. I used to rush the bedtime routine to accomplish those last minute items on my to-do list before bed. No more. I now embrace this time.
  24. A clean bill of health after my mammogram in June. I was a nervous wreck and ball of anxiety. Health is wealth.
  25. For the small group of friends I have. I appreciate each of them and our walks or ladies nights at our house. The conversations and community of like minded women is always therapeutic.
  26. For working on not taking my life too seriously. Damn it’s hard for me.
  27. For creating a home that practices forgiveness, unconditional love, joy, laughter, grace, growth mindset, grit, playing board games and desiring more experiences than material things to fulfill our lives.
  28. The community that we live in.
  29. The desire for adventure and to try new things. The ability to adapt to change. To embrace flexibility vs being so planned and rigid as I was before.
  30. To consistently speak inner peace and love and no longer trying to be something more or different than who I truly am. I am enough. I am perfectly imperfect. I am a child of God, saved by Grace, not how perfect I can make my life. The understanding that if I do it all my way, I will completely miss my calling and why I’m here.